So I leave..

Being a cynic was never my thing but someday or other you become someone or do something you do not want to do.

I have always been more emotional than being practical but now emotions just dont matter to me !!(and I wonder why ??) Yes I am having good old emotional relations but in the new ones as soon as emotions start getting involved, I start choking and prefer to leave.

This is not me. This has never been me. Emotions can never scare me but now they do. I am afraid to get close and then let go. I do not want to get addicted with any thing that I know(or think) is temporary. I am afraid of ending up lonely. Have I got what I deserved ?

So I just leave ...

But sometimes I want to feel the pain so I go down the whole memory lane by myself shedding tears and feeling  the change and it makes me strong but kills me more but I like it.

I am not afraid of pain anymore. All I am afraid of is listening to "Us" after "You and I".

So I leave every single time I sense it.

But I want to return back !! but to whom and when ?? I do not know.

So I will keep on leaving till the day I would not be allowed to leave, till the day my heart would skip its beats, till the day I would be held tight and till the day I would not want to leave !!

A chill goes through my veins !!

Thinking of how I once lived and how it has changed makes me wonder why and how it all changed ??
What was I thinking while doing it, the laughter I shared during those moments, the pain I was hiding in my smile, the senseless jokes I was cracking and everything in between.

I had so many moments then which I loved and now they all are either gone or will be gone. Change is a mandatory part of life and I accept it whenever it comes though  I resist like a stubborn kid. But I have no other option and I hate it !!

A chill goes through my veins when I think of the past, present and future !!
My past haunts me each and every day and there is nothing I can do about it. All I do is just engage myself in something else at the moment. It makes me wonder what if time had never changed, what if the sun never rose that morning, what if I was still the same. Like I was then and the list of questions goes on and on...

But time has changed and I am no more that sweet little girl who always looked for good in anything. I am a cynical woman now and I always look for cons rather than looking for pros.

Emotions and feelings don't flatter me anymore but secretly I am still looking for them though I'm not ready to accept now what I want !!

A chill goes through my veins when I think of the past, present and future !!
Everything is perfect right now in my life but still there is an empty space which I don't know whether I want to get filled or not !!

Parents, friends, hangouts, studies (they never matter though :P), other friends ;), I have got them all but I still want more (yes I am greedy :P but in a good way)

And then I get back into my fun-mode and stop thinking about this emotional stuff :D It feels great to be light-headed with no tensions but at the end of the day I am a girl who somewhere still hopes to meet her Mr Perfect but yes he can wait for like 3-4 years :P
And then again a chill goes through my veins thinking about the fun I am gonna have in the days coming and I love this chill ;)