On the top of a cliff

I want to climb on the top of a cliff and look around in all directions. I want to see the buildings and roads as tiny as an ant. I want to sit there in peace and not give a fuck about anything. With a chicken ham sandwich and a corona, I just want to stare at everything around me.

I will be right in the middle of the land and the sky. The feeling of being in the middle of it yet nowhere. That feeling sucks, it sucks monkey balls! But you need to feel it once in a while. The feeling of being nowhere.

As I sit there eating and drinking, I listen to some songs. Songs which will make me feel more alone may be. The songs which will make me think of all the crappy things in my life. I need to feel so low at times so that I can rise, so that I can rise above all the bullshit and feel strong. I know I can handle everything, I just need to be vulnerable at times, really pathetic because then I stop talking. I think and very few words come to my mind.  I keep those words to myself, think about them over and over and move on from that crap. This whole process sucks, it sucks monkey balls but every once in a while I need to go through it to know who I am and what do I want at that specific moment.

I want to see the sunset, I want to see that beautiful round orange figure get darker and darker and disappear in clouds far away. As it disappears, starts shining the substitutes, the stars and the moon. The substitutes are many and they are beautiful. As I lay down looking at the dark sky shining bright with the stars and the moon, I delve deeper into the fuckeries of my life. I cannot close my eyes, I get scared if I do that. My lips are sealed, my eyes are wide open staring at the sky and my ears are following each and every beat of the music I am listening to.

I look at those infinite stars. They shine everyday making the sky look the prettiest dark thing ever, without them the sky is just a bunch of dark and scary clouds. Amidst those stars, shines the moon. The calm, serene, subtle and beautiful moon. I can just keep look at that beautiful thing forever and never close my eyes. It looks white yet a little pale as if it is tired of being in that state. That imperfection makes it look even prettier.

We humans are a lot like that moon. Basically we are a round figure but our shape and light keeps changing every day. Without the change, the moon wouldn’t be the moon, it would be just another shining star in that dark sky. The moon is surrounded by the stars yet it shines alone. I keep looking at it and tears keep falling down my eyes. The eyes are shiny and watery. They look beautiful. Everything is beautiful about that night on the top of the cliff but everything doesn’t give a happy feeling. Not all beautiful things can make you happy. It sucks, it sucks monkey balls but it happens. Those things might make you content for a while but definitely not happy. Now that is just another fuckery of life!

But these fuckeries make you strong, wise and give you an experience you need to live the life ahead.

The night is getting darker and darker, it has a lust, the wicked charm which is making me lose control. The thoughts are getting deeper and deeper and finally after hours my mind starts getting tired of swimming in my thoughts. I want to keep my eyes open but with every blink, they are getting closed for a longer time period.  In that messy cluster of thoughts, I close my eyes. I am lying on that cliff with the enormous sky as my blanket. In that alluring night, I lay alone on the top of the world, underneath the sky, running in my dreamland where everything is beautiful and brings happiness. A  place where I am myself and no one judges my deeds, a place where people aren’t mean and rude, they are just straightforward, a place where I don’t have to think for million times before talking to someone, a place where water is pure and blue, a place where things aren’t twisted, a place that is erotic, a place where only the language of peace is spoken, a place where I do whatever the fuck I want to do, a place which is my dreamland.