On the top of a cliff

I want to climb on the top of a cliff and look around in all directions. I want to see the buildings and roads as tiny as an ant. I want to sit there in peace and not give a fuck about anything. With a chicken ham sandwich and a corona, I just want to stare at everything around me.

I will be right in the middle of the land and the sky. The feeling of being in the middle of it yet nowhere. That feeling sucks, it sucks monkey balls! But you need to feel it once in a while. The feeling of being nowhere.

As I sit there eating and drinking, I listen to some songs. Songs which will make me feel more alone may be. The songs which will make me think of all the crappy things in my life. I need to feel so low at times so that I can rise, so that I can rise above all the bullshit and feel strong. I know I can handle everything, I just need to be vulnerable at times, really pathetic because then I stop talking. I think and very few words come to my mind.  I keep those words to myself, think about them over and over and move on from that crap. This whole process sucks, it sucks monkey balls but every once in a while I need to go through it to know who I am and what do I want at that specific moment.

I want to see the sunset, I want to see that beautiful round orange figure get darker and darker and disappear in clouds far away. As it disappears, starts shining the substitutes, the stars and the moon. The substitutes are many and they are beautiful. As I lay down looking at the dark sky shining bright with the stars and the moon, I delve deeper into the fuckeries of my life. I cannot close my eyes, I get scared if I do that. My lips are sealed, my eyes are wide open staring at the sky and my ears are following each and every beat of the music I am listening to.

I look at those infinite stars. They shine everyday making the sky look the prettiest dark thing ever, without them the sky is just a bunch of dark and scary clouds. Amidst those stars, shines the moon. The calm, serene, subtle and beautiful moon. I can just keep look at that beautiful thing forever and never close my eyes. It looks white yet a little pale as if it is tired of being in that state. That imperfection makes it look even prettier.

We humans are a lot like that moon. Basically we are a round figure but our shape and light keeps changing every day. Without the change, the moon wouldn’t be the moon, it would be just another shining star in that dark sky. The moon is surrounded by the stars yet it shines alone. I keep looking at it and tears keep falling down my eyes. The eyes are shiny and watery. They look beautiful. Everything is beautiful about that night on the top of the cliff but everything doesn’t give a happy feeling. Not all beautiful things can make you happy. It sucks, it sucks monkey balls but it happens. Those things might make you content for a while but definitely not happy. Now that is just another fuckery of life!

But these fuckeries make you strong, wise and give you an experience you need to live the life ahead.

The night is getting darker and darker, it has a lust, the wicked charm which is making me lose control. The thoughts are getting deeper and deeper and finally after hours my mind starts getting tired of swimming in my thoughts. I want to keep my eyes open but with every blink, they are getting closed for a longer time period.  In that messy cluster of thoughts, I close my eyes. I am lying on that cliff with the enormous sky as my blanket. In that alluring night, I lay alone on the top of the world, underneath the sky, running in my dreamland where everything is beautiful and brings happiness. A  place where I am myself and no one judges my deeds, a place where people aren’t mean and rude, they are just straightforward, a place where I don’t have to think for million times before talking to someone, a place where water is pure and blue, a place where things aren’t twisted, a place that is erotic, a place where only the language of peace is spoken, a place where I do whatever the fuck I want to do, a place which is my dreamland.

No judgment please!

We live in The Incredible India, the place where people judge you by the way you dress up, talk, walk, eat, live and do everything. People who don’t even know you, people passing you by on a road, people you are working with etc. judge you and keep that perception about you in their mind.

Obviously judgmental nature comes with the human nature but at least get to know the person and then stick to your perception.

The girl sitting alone on the last bench with her earphones plugged in, had got attitude if she is not talking to anyone. If guys of her class approach her and talk to her then she is a slut because she talks to guys only. The girl talking sweetly with everyone is a flirt. The girl getting frank soon is easy going. The girl wearing shorts, partying and boozing is easy to take to bed. The girl who is flirting wants to have sex with you and it goes on and on. I mean come on, you have no clue what is going in her head and why she is like this? Stop taking everything in a twisted way, for once stop making perceptions!

May be she is a screw up and all she needs at the moment is no judgment.

Stop judging! Everyone has his/her own issues and you don’t know what that person is actually feeling because of them, unless you know the person or you have been through the person in that phase.

I am writing this from a girl's perspective because I and my girl-friends have experienced this. It gets hard when you can’t be yourself with people around. Everyone goes or is going through some thing and that changes the person a little bit. Instead of being all judgmental, prefer to be quiet and supportive or if you can't be supportive, just be quiet.

This judgmental nature of people pisses me off. This has been the reason so many times when I have seen people doing something which they don’t want to but are doing just to escape from the judgment. You may not realize but your judgmental nature is sometimes harsh and if it goes on for long then people might avoid sharing their problems with you. So try not to be judgmental. Just try it once. It makes you feel good and most importantly the people around you. 

The Un-happiness

Warning: Those who are in a good mood or having a good day, kindly DO NOT READ this as you might get nostalgic. Bookmark the page and save it for a better time!

It poisons your thoughts from inside. It makes you think of all of the bad stuff ever happened to you and makes you feel that your life is full of crap. It is a bitch, I swear! It makes you crazy in teeny tiny bits. You try to remain positive and calm but nothing helps. You feel like the loneliest person with no shoulders to cry on. You feel lazy, sad and pathetic. It makes you do things you never thought you would do and the worst part is you enjoy doing those things. It makes you listen to the same song again and again till you feel completely hollow. It changes you and turns you into a different person. A changed and different you. Whether you like it or not, it happens. You have fights with your loved ones. You want them to take care of you but somewhere you want to be all alone like you are some super-hero! You are confused about everything. You don’t want to face anyone, you don’t want to smile anymore and be sweet to anyone.

All you feel is depressed and shitty the whole time. You feel like doing nothing, just lying in bed over-thinking. You don’t feel anything, ANYTHING! Getting a glass of water seems like a herculean task. Your way of thinking, way to react at things, way to proceed with things changes and most of the times this change isn't good. You don't feel like picking any call but deep inside you keep hoping that someone would call and give you a good news that would cheer you up.

Let me tell you my way of getting through this.

Just think you are on your own. The people you trust, love and admire the most might not understand what you are going through. So just try to get through it all alone, you will feel so damn strong after all it is over. That phase is tough. Taking a shower also feels like a pain. You feel flawed all the time. Worthless totally! Let yourself free at that time. Don’t over-think, just don’t think. Smile only when you want to, don’t force yourself for something you don’t want to do. Soon you will feel better when you will get that you can go through this and then you can start thinking all the positive and optimistic stuff.

This unhappiness phase beats the crap out of you. You do feel pathetic and at the end of the day, you are the strongest you have ever been so just be patient while you are in this phase. But remember some or other day it will end. IT WILL.

The rush

The sudden rush in your head you get when just for a second your mind is empty can really bring a drastic change in your mood. No one out there has had a life with all bright colors and flowers. Everyone has to face problems so one day they can be a smartass.
 

But sometimes when all those sad moments come rushing to your head, it becomes tough! When suddenly the bitter truth bites you, you get weak. When the unacceptable reality waves you hi, you cannot turn your back and avoid it. These fired up thoughts shake you up from deep inside.

What do you do then? What can you do in middle of the night? Even you get tired of calling up your friends and whining about your problems. You do feel like talking to a person at that time but because of some or the other reason, you don’t and that person can be anyone, your partner, your best friend, your sibling or anyone!

During such rush, you stay strong thinking that this is just a phase and it will pass away. Nothing remains same forever. You think of the happy and beautiful moments you had and you smile thinking of them. You hope for more such moments and you tell yourself that you will be fine like always. You wait for another beautiful sunrise. You listen to some good music and you be there for yourself because you are the only one who can actually take care of yourself. 

You are the only person who can make that rush go away.

Ending & Beginning

A phase has ended. It was a long roller-coaster ride which has finally ended. Initially you thought you had to face everything alone but God is not so cruel. He very smartly put you around his angels to take care of you. Some had their stern ways to love you and some were just adorable. Survival without them would have been really hard. You learnt a lot about people and how they act in tough situations. Initially you were a scared puppy to face everything but in the end everything turned you into a sassy and wise cat.

Obviously in that phase, there would be some lovely and beautiful moments which you never expected would happen in that manner but they did happen. You would never forget them or you should say, you can never forget them. They would make you realize what and who you are and what you need to improve. If ever given a chance to relive the past, you should chose to live them because in that tough time, you were you, the real you.

But it has ended. It is time to be strong and relish those moments forever because they are not happening again. Not only those moments but that phase has ended.  Be a strong believer in god and do strongly believe that something awesome and splendid is in store for you and you are going to have that soon.

This ending is a beginning to a new phase. A phase where you will be stronger, wiser and smarter than before.

Someone once said to me “Do whatever is good for you and makes you happy. Give your 100% in it and no hurdle will be able to shake you up because you will have trust and confidence in yourself.” Do a lot of implementation of this advice in the life ahead and  just wish that this new phase gets you what you want so you couldn't ask for anything more.

I don't know...

I don't know why you do this to me,
I don't even know if you do it or not or its just in my mind,
I don't know why it affects me so much,
I don't even know why it all rushes back to my head when I try to sleep in night.

The season of smiles and laughter is gone,
I sit by my window and stare at nothing,
The reason for this sadness is long,
Now I wish for another happy dawn.

The days which I wished never to end have disappeared somewhere,
It was an ugly truth I never wanted to hear,
I am not looking for anything out there,
I am just waiting for it to finish all at once and for real because I am still stuck somewhere.

I don't know why it happened?
Is it karma or something just to test me,
The moments of happiness are all shattered,
The things have vanished which once mattered.

I don't know why you do this to me,
I don't even know if you do it or not or its just in my mind,
I don't know why it affects me so much,
I don't even know why it all rushes back to my head when I try to sleep in night.